I'd like comments on a response poem to Shakespeare's Sonnet 130.?

Well, this time it's supposed to be a response poem to a poem we read in class. This year is Britlit, so I chose Shakespeare's Sonnet 130.



found here:

http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnet...



And... here is mine.



The sun doth not reflect in chocolate eyes,

Nor are my lips so painted as the rest;

No comment shall be made of this line’s cries.

Roses are beauteous; I do attest

That upon my face no flowers be.

In my breath I do apologize;

I drink not perfume in the place of tea.

Black wires on my head call out surmise.

Music rings fairer in thy ear I hear;

My voice cannot sing as pianos play.

A goddess before ye did not appear?

What if she went and strode with staggering sway?

Of no false compare I appreciate,

But ask that of least fair you not equate.



Any critiques are appreciated, but I most likely won't change it unless there are major flaws.



Written in sonnet form and iambic pentameter.



And, yes, I am aware that I messed up some lines.

I'd like comments on a response poem to Shakespeare's Sonnet 130.?
I like it very much. You've created a wry response. It's interesting that you write in first person, of yourself, rather than of a beloved, as Shakespeare did.

One minor suggestion : my favorite line is the twelfth, which has lovely alliteration. You could retain your meaning and limit it to ten syllables by changing staggering to stagg'ring. Even the Bard himself was not above the expedient use of the apostrophe at times....

Well done. I'm impressed with your work.